One of my clients wrote a letter to everyone out there because he sees himself being continuously misunderstood and he asks that people should also consider that their own reality is not the reality of everyone else around. Because the letter is very long and he has worked on it over a very long time, I will publish it in several parts at different times.
Dear people in this world,
I am a smart boy and I have ASD. That is at least what doctors have told my parents when I was three years old. I think I am very normal as everyone of you also would consider yourself. That is because the way that I am, is very normal to me. Since everyone seems to expect me to learn your ways of normality, I will tell you what is normal to me now. Some of the other ASD diagnosed boys and girls may tell you something totally different or the very same. But here I am just talking about myself.
1.Communication
Many people when they talk about ASD they will mention how very difficult they find it to communicate with people with ASD.
I must say, I think you make it even more difficult for us. Somehow I see that many people when they talk to me, they really press on me. I have to look in their eyes. But I don’t always feel like it. Actually in many cases I do not wish to look at the person at all, but even less I would wish they look at me. I feel very uneasy, even sometimes it feels like a threat to me. Especially when they also start smiling and I can see their teeth. I really do not want that. Yes, my mother told me I have to do so, because it is considered not being polite, but really, I feel no politeness in being threatened as well.
Also sometimes I feel people love to talk a lot and not say much. At least so it seems from my perspective. They talk only a little about things and then suddenly and for me quite often completely surprising they change the matter. If I want to tell them something I want to tell them the whole picture, just to make sure that they REALLY understand me, but no, they often get bored and just shut me up, even before I really got out my message.
Sometimes I like to repeat words or phrases. I was told that this annoys people and they find me weird. I just like the sound of it in my head. In different ways repeated the same phrase or word they really make me feel differently and also they sometimes seem to change their meaning.
I find words very fascinating. Words can do a lot of things to people. People get scared or laugh or cry or get angry – all just because of different words. And sometimes not only because of the words only, but because of the things people do while speaking. The very same words can have a lot of different meanings just because of the way these words were pronounced.
Now really you guys find me being weird, if I just echo a few words while you do all of this? Take for instance irony. I think this is really WEIRD. So you say something nice but actually you mean the total opposite? Why don’t you just say it as you mean it? And then you want me to learn what you call “proper” communication?
And then you have this whole lot of so called “non- verbal” communication. This kind of sign language is sometimes like a miracle for me. Waving in a certain way and the special meaning of some fingers pointing or showing is again like an entire new language. Sometimes I simply do not understand what you mean or I even didn’t notice it at all, since I am not so much interested in looking at other people.
Then when it happens, that people react on what I said wrong, or understand not or in a different way, I often wish, they would also sometimes consider how difficult all this actually is for me. Sometimes I feel like in a real life obstacle course, I must concentrate on everything in the same time: what you say, and what you mean by what you say, and what you don’t say and what this again means and what you do while you say something and again what this does to the meaning of what you just said or did not say.
I feel like in a real life obstacle course, I must concentrate on everything in the same time: what you say, and what you mean by what you say, and what you don’t say and what this again means and what you do while you say something and again what this does to the meaning of what you just said or did not say.
Think about it! It is difficult just like this. In the same time but also, when I have to gather all these obstacles and have to create an “appropriate” reaction on this, also I have a million other things going on in my head, that sometimes make it really difficult for me to focus on all this communication only.
In fact there are very few people I really like to spend time with and even less people that I like to communicate with. I just don’t enjoy. I have to force myself. And this is extremely tiring and stressful for me. This is why I get really tired and exhausted easily, if I have to spend a long time with people I have to communicate with.
Think about it: You maybe enjoy this and it might even be relaxing for you. For me it is the very opposite.
Don’t understand me wrong, I would like to have someone I can talk to all the things I want to say. But it seems there is no. People say that they feel my speech being boring. They cannot listen. They interrupt. They often see only their point of view as being the only and true point. But they must know and understand that there is no such thing as real truth. It is always a matter of perspective. And my point of view is different.
Honestly I often think, many people are really stupid, because they often mix their emotions and their logic. But their logic is not objective, not neutral. It is based on their very own understanding of the world, based on how they see the world.
Sometimes I just get angry, because it feels to me that they simply do not want to see my perspective, only because it is different to theirs. And this is when I sometimes just do not want to talk to anybody anymore. I then need to be alone. I need to go to a quiet space where there is no human that bugs me with deciphering their communication.
Sometimes I like to go to me mother or my father. I will just lay my head in their lap and they know that this is not the time for talking. But then there is this other issue, that I will tell you next.
(End of Part One of the letter)
Do you wish to reply? Share your thoughts and I will gather them and forward them. Just do so in the comments. The next part of his letter concerns ways of interaction and play and is, if I may say this, as well an interesting mirror to ourselves like part one…