All our relationships are nurtured by communication.

What are the benefits when I communicate with the teacher of my child?

First of all, it is absolutely a great idea to seek the contact and connecting with the teachers of your children.

All our relationships are nurtured by communication. So in order to build a trustful, positive relationship with that person, your child is spending time with and needs to listen to, a personal connection can help your child tremendously in the learning process and towards success in school.

The benefits of open communication with the teacher of your child are:

• getting to learn timely about problems or challenges your child might have and
• learning how you can actually support your child’s learning hand in hand with the teacher
• becoming informed about long term projects of your child (know about deadlines and needs for supply earlier)
• being supported in extended learning of your child beyond the classroom walls

The best would be, of course, to build this relationship right from the start, when there is no issue or challenge yet to arise. At a time when a challenge does develop the following strategies will help you to optimize your way of contact with your child’s school.

1.Written contact is the preferred mean

When you need to contact the teacher, especially over a tricky matter, written communication is preferred over meeting up or talking to them by phone.

Writing allows you to sort the things you want to express. You can write, edit, rewrite. You can control or hide your emotions.

Let’s be clear here: when it comes to our children, red line is often very close, all the time. I call it the “tiger- mom”. It lives in all of us. And it can become very hard to control this tiger, when you are in a situation you feel, might lead to an unfair decision somebody else takes for your child. On the other side, it is so much easier, to blow off these emotions and write your email to the teacher after the steam is out.

Another benefit of any written communication is you having a record. Sometimes when issues arise it will come in very handy. For the same reason I would recommend you to write after each phone call or personal meeting some small informal minutes and send it to the teacher for him or her as a reminder, for you again as a record.

Before you start writing, think about all you know about this teacher. While all communication with teachers should be formal and professional, still you might use a writing style that you think would appeal to this particular teacher. (For instance word he or she likes to use or a way he/she likes to explain things in class or in a parents meeting). It is amazing how much more likely we tend to respond if somebody talks in the same way we do.

2. Be constructive and intentional

When you write your email, or before you go to see a teacher and especially before calling the teacher take a few moments to decide very clear for yourself what you actually want from the teacher to be done and why you think this is needed.

It is really important to think about constructive strategies here. What exactly do you want this teacher to do and why do you think, this will help your child?

In my experience many parents know very well what they do not want a teacher to do. And they often know what they want their child to feel in a certain situation (lesson or classroom). Make sure, you can suggest tangible actions.

If you want your child to understand something better, to get along better with someone, to like a certain subject then you may understand this in a completely different way than the teacher will understand. But if you can ask some clear actions from the teacher, it will also be easier to check later on, if this action actually helped the cause or not. So for instance if your child loves to play games, instead of asking the teacher to help your child like math more, you could ask the teacher, if he or she could use sometimes math games in order to make the math lesson more enjoyable for your child.

3. Be sensitive and empathic

When it comes to communicate with the teacher of your child, take a moment of time to think about the situation from the teacher’s perspective. Try to imagine, the situation of this person. Remember, every teacher is a human just like you and me, having pressure at work, good and bad days, maybe running a family themselves.

Also remember that children are amazingly adaptable. They show often very different sides of themselves in unrelated environments. So try to be open to hear a story about your child, which shows a new side of your child. Do not forget, peer pressure leads kids to do things differently, too.

If you are ready to listen to the teacher’s perspective of your child, try not to jump straight to the conclusion that this teacher has got no clue about kids and teaching and actually the world as it is, but try to find connections with your own perspective. What do you hear? What is alive in the teacher when he or she talks about your child? Where could you hand a missing piece of the puzzle for the teacher, so he or she can understand better the needs of their student?

4. Wrap your criticism as a need of yourself or of your child

Now this is so important. Many teachers are very sensitive, when it comes to critics of their methods or their decisions on handling issues. Do not even try to get things straight there. More often than less, the reaction you will get will be a defensive one. There is no need for harsh confrontation in most cases (keep the rockets in for serious stuff that are life or death matters).

Always wrap your critics by using me- messages. You either talk about yourself or about your child. Express your needs or those of your son or daughter. Do not confuse needs with accusations or feelings here. Be clear about what you need for you or your child to change without declaring the teachers’ actions to be wrong.

For instance: The teacher wrote a very negative note under the last test of your son. You are furious because your child felt hurt (and you with him or her). Here you can explain that you prefer positive messages as motivators for your child. Then say for instance, that you as the parent and also the child would like to get tips on how to solve the test correctly. You can even flatter the teacher with their experience and ask that you would like to benefit from it by getting to know new learning strategies when receiving back a test paper. You then can hint how hurt your child was, when getting back the test paper, because he or she is very interested to learn.

And once you are thinking about mistakes at the side of the teacher try to be fair. Is there anything you might have missed in the past or a mistake you made? Expressing your own mistakes authentically might open up the teacher for allowing criticism to be heard.

Or hide criticism in a question.

Now this is easy. Let’s say you did not like a certain activity, homework or trip, just ask what the intentions for it were and take it from there. Usually teachers will have a reasons why they took such decisions, so let’s hear them out and decide then if you can follow in or you are not in agreement there. Then you can continue with strategy 4.

6. Be appreciative and positive

You and the teacher are in this together. So try as much as you can to take a very positive approach toward your relationship. Many teachers these days receive a lot of negative pressure from school administration, parents, society and the media, so there is no need to add to this. Look for any good initiative this teacher might have had and express your appreciation. Stay authentic though, nobody likes to feel curry favored. Just find a positive something and say thank you. (Even it is only that the teacher took the time to talk to you or read your lines.)

Appreciation might be the bridge between you and this person. So make it a good habit to express your gratitude about things you liked even at times, when you do not want something from the teacher.

7. Ask for help and offer support

Everybody usually likes to be asked for support and help. For a teacher this will show initiative and taking responsibility for your child’s learning and usually is seen very positively.

At the same time offer your support. It may be a trip you could help to organize or some supplies that are needed for that cute craft activity. Giving the teacher the feeling that you are there not only to ask but also to give can make all the difference.

What are your strategies when communicating with the teacher of your child? What are your major issues? What positive reactions did you receive? I am looking forward to hearing from you.