This is the second part of the letter of my client diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD). If you would like to catch up on the first part, you can find it here. The intention of the letter is clear, he wants other people to rethink their reactions and behavior towards people they consider to be different from themselves. This part also provides some feedback to educators.
Since everyone seems to expect me to learn your ways of normality, I will tell you what is normal to me now. Some of the other ASD diagnosed boys and girls may tell you something totally different or the very same. But here I am just talking about myself.
Start of Part 2 (The parting was not done by the client, but has been added for better readability and a chance to let things set in between)
My ways of interaction and play
First let me talk about all that physical contact, that all of you seem to like a lot. Watching people a lot I noticed that they keep on touching others all the time. They also kiss and hug, but even more they touch each other when talking and walking. I don’t think that they always feel that they do so.
I feel it. Although it is weird sometimes: There are these times when I get hurt and I do not even feel it. I mean sometimes I feel no pain. When I was younger than now, always the other kids wanted to try on me. They would pierce me with something or pinch me even very hard, but I didn’t feel pain- even if I looked at them doing so.
At the same time, other ways of touching that other people do not mind or even enjoy (like fondling), I feel hard to bear. Rather often it even hurts me. Especially these very little touches people do just like this, unintentionally, I do not like. It is hard to explain. It feels like painful to me, harsh sometimes and even threatening. Sometimes I just can’t hold it, and I lash out. Hugging is a very special thing to me. I did never really understand why people anyway do so. With some people, like my mom, it is ok, if it does not take too long, but with other people it feels abominable. I feel crashed, locked in, suffocating and very often, it is just painful to me. And I feel that the older I become the amount of all those hugging and touching people do, is becoming more. In these situations, at invitations or gatherings with all these greeting and hugging, after a while, I just want to run and hide somewhere. Sometimes I think people like me had it much easier in the old times. I love the old English movies. There the people never hug or kiss. They will just shake hands, often with an outstretched arm and keep the people at bay. Also they had their talks straight forward and would not show emotions as they do nowadays in reality but even more in the movies.
Talking on the subject, yes I have issue with communication in general as I said above but also when I want to explain a certain subject. As I have explained before I like to make sure that the person I am talking to, does really understand my point. I can see that after a while they do not listen anymore or just interrupt me or try to change the matter. Often then I feel like cut off. I need to continue my speech or I will stuck on the point for long hours, sometimes days or even weeks. I will keep repeating what I said and how I wanted to continue in my head over and over again. This will occupy me for long. Instead why not give me the chance to speak it out? I mean people have so much time and spend it over less useful things, like watching advertisements or soap operas, why not to listen to me until I am done?
This is also part of why I find it hard to make or retain friends. They often find me behaving odd, whereas they find themselves so normal. They are not interested in what I have to say, and honestly often I feel that because they switch subjects so often, that they in return often touch things on the surface and do not really have something new to bring up on matters. If I start thinking on something they said and they quickly change the matter to something new and expect me to do so, I often feel it is too much. They stay on the surface but I always think deeper and it will occupy me so, that I find it hard to shift my attention to the next thing they are talking about.
When I grew older I often just mirrored them to maintain friendship with them. But it was not real. I just tried to talk like them and about things that I thought they would be interested in as well. But it felt wrong and after a while it became really exhausting. I really would wish to have a real friend, that can understand me and will take me serious and for sure will be loyal even between other “cooler” boys. But I did not find such a person. So I keep more and more silent. I try to avoid situations where I have to do “small-talk”. If I have to, I have prepared for myself two short speeches that I will be able to say.
Still I hope that there is anybody out there who could be my real friend.
Play
I like to play like most people do. But my ways might be different. I don’t like imaginary play very much. For me it nice to have a real game that follows certain rules. This gives me security, something to hold on, no surprises.
By the way, I don’t like surprises. I know, most people like them but I can’t stand to feel unprepared. I do not know how to react and what people expect me to do. Often I feel ashamed because I do not know what I should do.
Anyway because of that, I really like board games with clear rules, also card games and even computer games. I like to win. Isn’t this the whole point of playing a game? When I lose though, I often become angry. Not because I lost, but because of the reason that made me lose. Maybe my strategy was wrong or that of the others or because I forgot a rule. This is why I really like to play board games by myself. Then I have more time to think. I can replay a certain variety of moves or decisions and find the perfect solution.
Actually I would like to play it with someone next to me doing the same. But like not finding a real friend, I did not find a person that does play next to me like me.
Although I like being alone and sometimes have to be just by myself, still I am afraid that when I grow up and have to live without my parents, that I will end up all alone.
(End of part 2).